Seeking Internal: How to Stop Outsourcing Desire
Have you ever felt like your happiness or fulfilment depends on someone else? Maybe it’s a partner’s validation, a boss’s approval, or the excitement of external achievements. This is what’s known as outsourcing desire—placing the responsibility for your joy and satisfaction outside of yourself. While incredibly common, it keeps us trapped in a cycle of seeking and disappointment.
What if your deepest desires didn’t depend on anyone or anything external? What if the wellspring of joy and fulfilment you’ve been searching for already existed within you?
Why Do We Outsource Desire?
Outsourcing desire often begins in childhood. Many of us were praised for achievements, good behaviour, or meeting others’ expectations, reinforcing the idea that love and worthiness come from external sources. Society further amplifies this, promoting the belief that success, relationships, and material possessions determine our happiness.
But the more we seek fulfilment externally, the more elusive it becomes—because true, sustainable desire can only come from within.
How We Outsource Desire
Outsourcing desire often looks like:
Seeking Validation: Waiting for others to affirm our worth or achievements.
Chasing External Rewards: Thinking that a new job, relationship, or material possession will finally make us happy.
Relying on Others for Fulfilment: Expecting our partner, family, or friends to meet all our emotional needs.
This pattern can leave us feeling powerless, as our happiness hinges on factors outside our control.
Turning Inward: Reclaiming Your Desire
Tune Into Your Body
Desire begins in the body. Spend time exploring what lights you up—whether through self-pleasure, creative activities, or simply noticing what feels good in your daily life. Ask yourself: What sensations make me feel alive? This could be the warmth of the sun on your skin, the thrill of movement, or the deep exhale of relaxation.
Ask Yourself, “What Do I Need Right Now?”
Instead of looking to others, turn inward. Do you need rest, connection, or inspiration? Giving yourself permission to meet these needs is an act of self-reclamation. The more you honour your inner signals, the less you’ll depend on external validation to feel whole.
Practice Self-Validation
Write down affirmations or reminders of your own worth. Pair these with a somatic practice, like standing tall and taking deep breaths, to embody the feeling. Imagine how you would carry yourself if you already believed the affirmation—let your posture, breath, and movement reflect it.
Engage in Self-Pleasure Practices
Exploring your own pleasure—free from expectations—is one of the most powerful ways to internalise desire. This isn’t just about physical sensation; it’s about connecting with your aliveness and creativity. When you cultivate pleasure on your own terms, you reinforce the idea that fulfilment is within your control.
How Reclaiming Desire Transforms Relationships
When we stop outsourcing desire, our relationships shift. Instead of seeking constant reassurance or placing pressure on others to meet all our emotional needs, we show up with a sense of completeness. This creates deeper, more authentic connections—free from expectation and resentment.
For example, rather than needing a partner’s affection to feel loved, you can receive their love as an addition to the love you already cultivate within yourself. This removes the dynamic of grasping for validation and allows relationships to thrive in a space of mutual appreciation rather than dependency.
By reclaiming your desire and turning inward, you’ll discover a profound sense of autonomy and fulfilment. You’re no longer at the mercy of external circumstances but instead rooted in your own internal landscape.
You are your own greatest source of fulfillment. Learning how to connect deeply with your needs and desires can be a game-changer!
To find out how to work with your own desire, contact Nikkiema here.
Sources:
The Psychology of External Validation:
Self-Determination Theory (SDT): This theory, developed by Deci and Ryan, explores how external validation impacts intrinsic motivation and well-being.
Reference: Deci, E.L., & Ryan, R.M. (2000). "Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being." American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78.
Self-Determination Theory
The Body-Mind Connection:
Interoception and Self-Regulation: Research indicates that interoceptive awareness—the ability to perceive internal bodily sensations—plays a crucial role in emotional regulation and self-awareness.
Reference: Mahler, K. (2020). "Daily Activities That Can Help Develop Self-Regulation." Retrieved from Kelly Mahler
Somatic Practices for Emotional Regulation:
Interoception-Based Interventions: Studies have shown that programs focusing on interoception can enhance emotional regulation in children, highlighting the importance of somatic practices.
Reference: Mahler, K. (2020). "An Interoception-Based Intervention for Improving Emotional Regulation in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder." Journal of Occupational Therapy, Schools, & Early Intervention, 13(3), 279–295. Taylor & Francis Online
