Reclaiming Your Pleasure: Moving Beyond Performative Intimacy

For so many women, sexual pleasure has been taught to us as something to do rather than something to experience. Whether it’s playing a role, focusing on a partner’s pleasure first, or aiming for a ‘successful’ outcome (like orgasm), sex can easily become more about performance than presence.

It can take a little bit of practice to rewire our brains, and bodies, away from the deep learning of porn and societies expectations to be a performer in the bedroom, but it's a practice well worth the undertaking. You might even be surprised what you find when you begin to ask questions like -

Do I actually like this, or have i just thought I’m supposed to like it for so long that it’s normal now, even if i don't actually like it?  What does my pleasure feel like when its not about doing it right? What happens when I practice letting go of expectations and reconnecting with what feels good for me in the moment?

Why We Perform Instead of Feel

From a young age, we receive subtle and not-so-subtle messages about sexuality:

• That being ‘good in bed’ means pleasing someone else.

• That orgasm is the goal—and if you don’t get there, something is wrong.

• That desire should look a certain way, often influenced by media and past experiences.

• That ‘sex’ has a very specific, limited definition

Over time, these ideas create pressure. And pressure is the opposite of pleasure. The nervous system can’t fully relax into enjoyment when it’s busy trying to meet an expectation.

Performing like a Pornstar?

Time to cut the act - get out of performance mode and into real, juicy, pleasure.

How to Shift from Performance to Presence

Reclaiming pleasure starts with shifting your focus: from how it looks to how it feels.

1. Tune into Sensation, Not the Outcome
Instead of focusing on orgasm, ask: What feels good right now? Notice the small moments—warmth, tingles, pressure, expansion—without rushing to the next step. When we remove the goal focus, it opens up the opportunity for our bodies to really notice pleasure in a wider scope.

2. Let Go of the ‘Sexy’ Performance
If your mind starts scripting what you ‘should’ be doing or how you ‘should’ look, pause. Take a deep breath and consciously return to your own body rather than the imagined gaze of another. When you start to notice or feel ‘should’ during sex, it’s a good indication that you are beginning to move on expectations rather than presence.

3. Explore Pleasure on Your Own Terms
Self-pleasure is one of the most powerful ways to unlearn performance and rediscover authentic desire. Without an audience, you have the freedom to explore what you truly enjoy. Try slowing things down, using different kinds of touch, or even removing direct genital stimulation for a while to heighten awareness elsewhere. (If you would like to explore structured self pleasure practices, contact Nikkiema Rai for a free Introduction to Self Pleasure Practice)

4. Use Movement to Break Patterns
If sex has become predictable, bring in movement. Stretch, roll your hips, breathe deeper—let your body lead, instead of your mind. Without getting into complex new positions, the simplicity of body movement can be really dynamic for connecting deeper with yourself and expanding your pleasure.

Reclaiming your pleasure means making space for curiosity, play, and deep connection with yourself. When you let go of performance, you open the door to a pleasure that is richer, more fulfilling, and entirely yours.

As a certified Somatic Sexologist, I specialise in guiding women to move beyond performative intimacy and reconnect with their authentic pleasure. Through somatic practices, embodied exploration, and mindset shifts, I help women break free from conditioning, deepen their connection to their bodies, and cultivate a pleasure that is truly their own—free from pressure, expectation, or performance.  

If this is what you need - let’s talk.