Is It As Simple As Him Doing the Dishes More? How Emotional Load Affects Desire.
What are the dishes doing to your desire?
We’ve all heard the joke:
Nothing turns me on more than seeing my partner doing the dishes.
But is there truth to it? For many women, the answer is yes. Because of what it represents. It’s not just about the act of doing dishes; it’s about sharing the emotional load, the invisible labor that goes into managing a household, a family, and a life.
What Is Emotional Load?
Emotional load refers to the mental effort required to keep life running smoothly. It’s the planning, organizing, remembering, and anticipating that often falls disproportionately on women. This can look like:
Keeping track of appointments and deadlines.
Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, or what needs restocking in the pantry.
Having to think of what to have for lunch, and dinner, and breakfast. Every day.
Managing the family’s emotional dynamics and ensuring everyone’s needs are met.
When one partner carries the majority of this load, it creates imbalance, and resentment. And nothing kills desire faster than resentment.
Often, women don’t even realise the weight of the emotional load they’re carrying, and likewise, men don’t get why it’s such a toll for their partner to have to remind them of everything that is happening or needs doing constantly. The reality of emotional load isn’t just exclusive to men and women though, this is something that can effect any couple, or even not-couple. Looking after parents or extended family can quickly add up on the mental and emotional load scale too, and you might notice your desire for life in general can be impacted.
How Emotional Load Impacts Intimacy
Carrying an uneven emotional load leaves little room for desire. When you’re constantly in “manager mode,” it’s hard to shift into a state of relaxation and receptivity—the very states that make intimacy possible.
Creating Balance and Rekindling Desire
Acknowledge the Emotional Load:
Openly discuss what tasks and responsibilities each partner is managing. Often, the first step is simply recognizing the imbalance.
Redistribute Responsibilities:
Share the mental load by creating systems or splitting tasks more equitably. For example, if one person plans meals, the other could take responsibility for grocery shopping.
Use Somatic Practices to Transition Out of “Manager Mode”:
Before connecting with your partner, spend 5-10 minutes grounding yourself. Try slow breathing, gentle movement, or self-touch to shift out of stress and into presence.
Prioritize Non-Sexual Intimacy:
Rebuild connection through small gestures like holding hands, sharing a laugh, or simply being present with one another. This creates the foundation for deeper intimacy.
The Truth About the Dishes:
It’s never really just about the dishes.
It’s about partnership, equity, and shared responsibility. When both partners contribute to the emotional load, it creates space for desire to thrive. Because nothing is more attractive than feeling seen, supported, and valued.
If the dishes (or something similar) are a sore point in your relationship, lets chat.
